When a relationship is in a crisis, we more commonly direct the focus on how to improve communication, what we can start doing to have better relationship.
We focus on the new, on what we still don't do or don't say.
Research has shown that it is really important to start with what need to stop happening in the communication to have better relationship.
There are 4 specific way of communicating that are particularly damaging for relationships:
The first is CRITICISM, to express negative comment about the character and personality of the other partner.
The healthy alternative to criticism is communicating about your feeling, using 'I' statements and sticking to expressing your position and perspective.
The second is CONTEMPT, a more subtle attack on the other person that result in insulting and abusing the other partner.
The healthy alternative to contempt is focusing on what you appreciate in the other, expressing that to your partner.
The third is DEFENSIVENESS, that occurs when one of the partners starts to identify as the victim in the relationship and doing so avoiding all responsibilities.
The antidote to defensiveness requires that both partners acknowledge their 50% responsibility in the relationship.
The fourth is STONEWALLING, this happens when one of the partner is withdrawing from the communication with the partner, leaving the other alone in the communication.
The alternative to this is acknowledging the need for a break and sharing this need with your partner, so that you can take a step back without loosing contact.
These 4 behaviours are known as the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse and is a model developt by The Gottman Institute.
We focus on the new, on what we still don't do or don't say.
Research has shown that it is really important to start with what need to stop happening in the communication to have better relationship.
There are 4 specific way of communicating that are particularly damaging for relationships:
The first is CRITICISM, to express negative comment about the character and personality of the other partner.
The healthy alternative to criticism is communicating about your feeling, using 'I' statements and sticking to expressing your position and perspective.
The second is CONTEMPT, a more subtle attack on the other person that result in insulting and abusing the other partner.
The healthy alternative to contempt is focusing on what you appreciate in the other, expressing that to your partner.
The third is DEFENSIVENESS, that occurs when one of the partners starts to identify as the victim in the relationship and doing so avoiding all responsibilities.
The antidote to defensiveness requires that both partners acknowledge their 50% responsibility in the relationship.
The fourth is STONEWALLING, this happens when one of the partner is withdrawing from the communication with the partner, leaving the other alone in the communication.
The alternative to this is acknowledging the need for a break and sharing this need with your partner, so that you can take a step back without loosing contact.
These 4 behaviours are known as the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse and is a model developt by The Gottman Institute.
